When we bought two (copy) books for your homework so that you had the opportunity to use the one “like all the others” I made up my mind to write a long, long letter to you in the one you didn’t need.
This is a letter I want you to have by you through life and when you read it then it will be a bit of mummy with you. So often life is lonely and it is in little ways we can comfort ourselves. As a little girl and even now at the great age of 10 years and four months you sucked your finger at moments of stress, boredom and loneliness.
You are a happy truthful and obedient girl C and it may be that those of lesser qualities may often hurt and perplex you. Always try to forgive them Darling, to be truthful is so very important – in Shakespeare’s Hamlet there is a famous quotation; it goes like this I think
“ This above all, to thine ownself be true; and it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
It means that if you always live your life in the way you know deep down to be right then you‘ll never hurt anyone.
When we look back it is the happy times that stand out and you and I have had many, we had our two lovely sea trips to South Africa and back, we’ve had wonderful outings from here and always you’ve been a delightful companion one day you’ll have a little girl of your own I hope and know the happiness, heartaches and love I’ve known with you, not one minute of it all do I want to forget, ‘cept that perhaps at times I’ve been cross and I’ve always been busy either running a house or else working as I’ve had to do the last year, that many times I’ve wished to be fresher and more eager to play with you.
We none of us know what the future holds for us and if at times you feel lonely and that the way is uphill or hard just smile, Treasure, and remember that the very next day may be lovely. One day when you are grown up you’ll find that has its troubles too, but I know that it is easier for grown ups to cope ‘cos over the years they gain wisdom.
I want to talk a little about money for it is a fearfully bothersome thing. One day when you are twenty one you will inherit money, now when one has never had any money of ones own the temptation is to suddenly buy everything – don’t Darling unless it is a great want. Much better to have a little “put away” in case an even greater want comes along.
If a woman has money of her own when she marries then I think she is wisest to keep it and not let her husband take it over for once it is gone there is no reclaiming it and one never knows what circumstances might arise in which that little bit of money of your own would be very useful.
I wonder if you’ll be a career girl or not, I wish I’d been able to provide for your future education but that was not to be and life is what we make it so I guess you’ll get where you want to be. I pray somebody will make life happy for you – love the world my C and the world will love you.
There so many things to say and so little time to say them, life is like that so much unsaid, so much undone at the end of each day, All I want to do is think of the lovely times we’ve had, I hope you will be able to remember them too – That lovely warm day we went to Carisbrooke Castle and saw the donkey in the well house, remember the rosy apples in the cottage gardens.
There will be little things which will be yours now to help you remember me – Grandpa and Auntie Pat may think it wiser to keep them for you for a few years. The broach was left me by Great- Great Aunt Fanny; she was your Granny’s mother’s sister.
The silver brush and comb set were one of my 21st presents.
The silver candlesticks and cigarette case Daddy gave me.
I expect most of the things will have to be sold Darling for there just isn’t room to keep them and they are costly to move about, I hope you keep a few of the books, two lovely ones are” Celtic Myth and Legend” also “Classic Myth and Legend”
I’ve always meant you to be christened into the Church of England Darling, perhaps you’ll tell Canon Hill and he will arrange it, Auntie Pat is to be one Godmother, it was all arranged when you were a baby Then Mummy was ill for so long that by the time she was well you’d grown out of the christening frock and ever after that there seemed to be enough money to buy you a pretty frock for a christening but that doesn’t really matter and I want you know the comfort of religion as I have done.
There is never a right time for a mother to say goodbye
As an only child at the age of 24, I lost both my parents within 22 weeks of each other. 14 years earlier it was feared my mother would die and this fear was kept from my 10 year old self a fact I deeply resented.
22 weeks after my father died I lost my beloved mother to cancer so I was alone when she died having begged the doctor to sedate her as she was so distressed. As a nurse I was acutely aware of her rapidly deteriorating condition. She died less than three hours later leaving me with just her wedding ring and her door key.
I returned to her flat where, having realised that the same procedures for father’s funeral could be followed for mummies, I wondered if she had made a will. This led me to search among her papers and letters where I found my old school copy with its green cover, containing this letter written 14 years previously. As I finished reading it I reflected on our last conversations when she said “If I’ve got cancer I’m not going to believe in God anymore” I replied “Mummy if you’ve got cancer you’ve got to believe in God even more”

Refresher Courses for Bethany Members
Monkstown and Esker graduates attend “pilot” Courses.

Following requests for a Refresher Course for those who had been trained over past few years, the GEC this year provided a “pilot” Refresher Evening in Monkstown in March, and a Refresher afternoon with Facilitation Training in Esker, Co. Galway in June. Those who had graduated since 2009 were invited to attend. Twenty three members came to Monkstown and forty three attended in Esker.

The purpose was two-fold:
• To provide a forum where we could learn how the members had got on in their parishes since they finished training, and what help and support they needed in the future.
• To teach a “refresher” training module.
After the Bethany Prayer and a reminder of what’s expected of us in our role as Bethany members, the participants broke into small groups, each made up of a mixture of 2009/10/11 graduates.

They addressed two questions:
• What has been useful from the Training Course?
• What could be changed or added to the Course in future?
They then reconvened in a large group to give feedback.

Examples of what was found useful in Training Course:
• Active listening exercises.
• Silence is ok.
• “When asking a question, who are you asking it for?”
• Personal journey and meditations.
• Final Day process.

Examples of what could be added to Training Course:
• More practical demonstrations on how to run an open group-meeting.
• How to cope when a client offloads deep personal story that affects the Bethany listener.
• Provide realistic expectations about attendance of clients at parish open meetings and what to do when nobody turns up.
• How to deal with an unenthusiastic P.P.
• How to deal, as a newly qualified member, with “set-in-their-ways” members who are not open to change or not practicing according to current best practice.

In Esker, the second half of the afternoon was spent on learning and practicing facilitation skills in small groups. In Monkstown, they learnt and practiced Active Listening and how to identify feelings behind words when working with the bereaved. This also was done in small groups.
Both sessions ended with feedback on how the “pilot” had worked – did they feel more confident as they went back to work in their parishes? In both cases, the feedback was extremely positive. In fact it was recommended that all Bethany Members be strongly encouraged to take part in a Refresher Course once every two years. The Training Committee of the GEC have been asked to look into how to provide this training for those who trained in Clonliffe, Knocklyon and Belfast.

Members of the General Executive for 2011:

Myles O'Reilly SJ (Spiritual Director),
Winnie Keogh (Chairperson),
Moira Staines (Secretary),
Ronan Hughes (Treasurer), Anne Butler, Brendan Nugent, Maeve Mason, Deirdre Ó Muirí, Gobnait O'Grady, James Garland.

Bethany Bereavement Support Group,
c/o Rathfarnham Parish Centre, Willbrook Road, Rathfarnham, Dublin 14.
Bethany Phone: 087 9905299
Email: bethanysupport@eircom.net