The Hidden Grief of Adoption
When
I started attending a Bethany Support Training programme, I was asked
about my
most significant loss. At that time, I believed my greatest
loss had been the death of my parents. However, as the training proceeded
and my self-awareness grew, I began to realise that the experience of
giving up my first born for adoption when I was just 16, at a time when
I had no support and all the decisions were made for me, was a significant
loss. I always carried the memory in my heart and I often thought about
my baby. However I had hidden my grief, even from myself.
At the Bethany training, I found myself in the heart of a reality, the
real world of people’s pain and sense of loss. This I thought to
myself is real life, but in a safe caring and well organised supportive
and confidential environment. I began to identify, that what I was hearing
was touching me at a deeper level, a place that I had been running away
from all my life. In the safety of Bethany and through the support of
a Bethany volunteer, I gradually began to look at my own life and experiences
of loss. I realised when parents shared their stories of how their children
had died, and the pain they were going through, I experienced the same
feelings and pain that they expressed. I began to identify the reality
of my pain, my unspoken loss of a baby many years ago.
When I was asked if I would consider becoming a Bethany worker/ listener,
I looked forward to the opportunity to improve my listening skills and
the privilege of walking with & supporting others on their journey
through loss and grief. I experienced a call to work with those in crises
and isolation as a result of my own troubled and painful life experience.
However, I often questioned why I was drawn to work with those experiencing
bereavement? I had not experienced a significant bereavement until I
was 34 through the death of my Father, and I was in my 40s when My Mother
died and if I am to be truly honest, both their deaths came as a relief
to me. I had a very lonely, isolated and broken childhood, with little
or no support from either of my parents. However I was responsible for
their care from a young age until the time of their deaths. I did love
them both, but giving and expressing love was not something that came
easy to either of them, as a result of their own tragic life experiences.
My faith was the one thing that sustained me through my life and through
the many crosses I have experienced. I am and always will be grateful
to my parents for the gift of Faith they passed on to me.
My grieving for them was strange, a sense of relief mingled with the
sense of how I should be, following the loss of my parents. It was all
a very superficial external experience. I never moved beyond thoughts,
feelings did not exist apart from the odd tear shed when I was alone
when I was overwhelmed by the strange void that I was left with. I stayed
with my thoughts & my experience at a head level, I did not dare
take that journey to my heart. I talked to friends and others who would
listen, but always keeping it pleasant they would not get tired of listening
to me. I kept busy and carried on with life, because that is what I always
did when life was hard.
With Bethany, for the first time, I had got in touch at a deeper level,
a heart level, with the pain and loss I experienced when I gave my baby
up for adoption. This pain had been buried deep inside of me and as long
as I kept it at a head level, I thought I was coping. Nothing could have
been further from the truth! Looking back now I can see how my buried
pain and silent grief had affected me over the years. It was a prison.
Is it any wonder my mental health had been so bad? Now I understood the
source of my depression and patterns of behaviour.
At Bethany I was able to talk about it openly. I spoke the truth of how
it really had been for me. I did not have to censor the truth to protect
anyone else. I was encouraged to be honest. Now I understand what it
means when it is said that ‘the truth will set you free’.
I had never expressed my loss at this level or felt it until now.
During the Bethany Course I was listened to non-judgementally. I was
heard, encouraged and supported to be honest with myself. No one tried
to advise me. I received genuine empathy and compassion. I found support
and a safe place to explore and work through my grief. I was then able
to grieve the loss of my parents, my lost childhood and my child.
This experience has helped me realise that many of us wear a mask as
we journey through life. It takes courage and a safe environment to remove
the mask. I did, I revealed the truth that I had buried deep inside and
had been running from all my life.
I will always be grateful to the people of Bethany for their support
and to my parents for the faith I got from them. This has enabled me
to believe and trust that God is with me always and in all circumstances.
Annual General
Meeting 2012 
The
18th AGM of the Bethany Bereavement Support Group was held in the Milltown
Institute, Ranelagh
on the 18th of Feb. The large
and enthusiastic group from all over the country were
welcomed warmly
by the outgoing chairperson, Winnie Keogh. Mass was celebrated by Fr.
Myles O’Reilly and concluded with a service of light when the names
of deceased members, their family and friends were read out and a candle
was lit for each.
The guest speaker, John Quinn, was introduced and spoke movingly of the
death of his wife, Olive. (see the article on page 3).
The Rathfarnham group did a workshop on an evening of prayer and remembrance
using the motif of a cracked pot that leaked but watered the seeds as
it did so. Smaller groups were formed to discuss the ideas presented.
The formal side of the meeting followed:
Treasurer’s report: As the operational and value added costs do
not balance and the grant amounts are uncertain, the GEC propose to continue
to collect a yearly donation from each group. Minimum amount to be €50,
at your discretion.
Secretary’s report: 11 monthly meetings were held during the year.
Jim Garland joined the GEC, having been nominated and elected at the
last AGM. Thanks to the 70% of parishes who returned their reports and
made a donation to defray GEC costs.
Training: Courses took place in Clonliffe, Esker and Monkstown. New groups
were formed in Renmore, Galway city, Castlegar and Kiltullagh. Geraldine
Buckley completed the Monkstown course and will start a new group in
Charleville Co. Cork. Winnie attended the final day of the first training
course in Northern Ireland at the Dromalis Retreat centre in Larne. Bishop
Farquhar was delighted with the involvement of lay people. New groups
formed in Ballymena, Belfast, Glenarm and Drumbo/Carryduff.
Ray Leonard will be director of training in Swords to facilitate a group
who support the suicide bereaved. Thanks to Marie Byrne and her team
for setting up this course. Groups that trained together this year have
reconvened for facilitation days after 6 months. The feed back has been
very positive.
The Bereavement weekend in November was organised by Anne Butler and
conducted by Fr. Myles. The next weekend will take place on 23rd to 25th
of Nov. 2012. Both the bereaved and new members of Bethany are encouraged
to attend.
The Newsletter is compiled by Deirdre O Muirí. Please submit any
news, stories, poetry or event announcements to bethanysupport@eircom.net
.
Website: Thanks to Frank McCarthy for his work in developing this site
as a valuable resource for those in need.
Day of reflection: 80 people attended Frances Hogan’s talk “The
Lord is with us”.
Funeral
ministry: Where Bethany and funeral teams work well together the Bethany
training is useful and allows us to make early contact with
the bereaved.
Chairpersons talk: The outgoing chairperson, Winnie Keogh thanked everyone
for their help and support during her three years in office and expressed
great joy at the spread of the Bethany groups to all parts of the country.
She commented on the idea of seeds being sown and coming to fruition
which ran as an underlying theme throughout the AGM noting that John
Quinn received a seed from an unlikely source which helped him on his
journey through grief, That the Cracked Pot of the workshop leaked and
felt useless but nurtured the flowering seeds. Lastly she observed that
the seed of Bereavement support planted by Fr. John Murphy in 1984, was
nourished by Fr. Myles, whose presence here today shows the continuity
and growth over almost thirty years.
Lastly she wished the incoming chairperson, Moira Staines, every blessing
for her term of office.
Fr. Myles presented Winnie with a potted camellia "which she has
just the place for in her garden". Please note that a full interview
with Winnie will be in the Autumn edition of the newsletter. Goodbye
and thank you until then Winnie.
News
Flashes................. |
Members of the General Executive
for 2012:
General Executive Committee 2012
Fr. Myles O' Reilly - Spiritual Director
Moira Staines - Chairperson
Deirdre O Muirí - Secretary
Ronan Hughes - Treasurer
Winnie Keogh - Ex Officio
Anne Butler, Gobnait O Grady, Maeve Mason,
Brendan Nugent, Jim Garland,
Liz Ronaldson.
Bethany Bereavement Support Group,
c/o Rathfarnham Parish Centre, Willbrook Road, Rathfarnham, Dublin 14.
Bethany Phone: 087 9905299
Email: bethanysupport@eircom.net
by John Quinn (Writer and Broadcaster)
In
his address to the Bethany AGM, writer and broadcaster John Quinn
told a personal
story – his own
account of coping with the sudden death of his wife Olive in 2001.
Drawing on readings from his own book “letters to olive”,
Henri Nouwen’s “A letter of consolation” and “The
book of consolations” (John’s own anthology of consoling
words), he analysed the grieving process under various headings.
|
A
special thank you to Bethany Group Queen of Peace, Putland Road,
Bray for organising
and hosting 
a wonderful
evening at which we celebrated 25 years of Sr Sheila Mc Auliffe's association
with Bethany. Fr Myles O'Reilly
celebrated Mass and inspired all present. Thank you to Sam Veale and
Maureen Masterson and their team, our hosts, who made a presentsation
to Sr Sheila. Moira Staines Chairperson was privilaged to attend and
say a few words on behalf of all present to Sr Sheila and acknowledge
her contribution to Bethany over the last 25 year.
In 1987 Sr. Sheila became director of training when she took over from
Sr. Breeda Treacy and since then she has been totally committed to our
Bethany training programme. During her first two years over 40 parishes
started Bethany groups, Quite an achievement for those early years. During
the 90’s I remember when the training was held in Merchants Quay
and the dedication Sr. Sheila gave at that time.
We have been enriched by the gentleness and spirituality that Sr. Sheila
brings to our organisation. At every meeting we use her prayer for Bethany
members and her prayer for the bereaved is distributed on an ongoing basis
to the bereaved.
I decided to Google Sr. Sheila the other evening and what appeared as the
very first item was all the prayers that she had composed for the bereaved
in so many situations of loss, all of them so appropriate and sensitive
to those who are grieving.
In 2008 we were all shocked when Sr. Sheila became seriously ill, but the
good Lord restored her to health and in no time she was back in harness
and continues to conduct the final day of training. Many here tonight have
been enriched and encouraged by her deep spirituality on that final day.
May Sr. Sheila be with us for many more years to be that silver thread
that shines through all her work and prayer and has been so much part of
Bethany over the last 25 years. We all wish her continued health that will
enable her to continue to enrich us with all the goodness and rich spirituality
that she brings to Bethany.
I will finish with a quote from John O’Donoghue’s Matins from “Eternal
Echoes” which sums up Sr. Sheila and which we all might aspire to
be:
Compassionate of heart, Gentle in word, Gracious in awareness, Courageous
in thought, Generous in love.
Email to Sr. Sheila McAuliffe
When I received Sr. Sheila’s
card with the Bethany design of the Alpha and Omega imbedded in the
candle, I felt a sense of eternal
life, from the always and forever burning of the candle.
This reinforced my message to my mother before she died when I told
her we would only be apart for a short time. We will be reunited at
the final judgement day when Jesus returns as our king. The prayer
in time of bereavement comforted me, especially in its first line “Lord
you are close to the broken hearted.” This tiny card made a huge
difference in my grief so when it was time to design the headstone;
I wanted this to be on it. I know my late mother and father would be
comforted by this message.
I am grateful that I had a divine opportunity of meeting Sr. Sheila
McAuliffe at the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Hospital in New York. Without
her I would not be where I am today- much more at peace and always
listening for direction from the Lord.
From Roberta Tehan
Sent 02 December 2011